WWE RAW Results (12/9/13)

WWE RAW begins with a special Slammy Awards opener. After that we shoot to ringside where it’s just Michael Cole and JBL, as Cole notes they will be joined by Jerry Lawler later tonight.

Daniel Bryan vs. Fandango

Daniel Bryan’s music and out comes the local Washington native. Out next is Fandango and Summer Rae. We are told the first Slammy Award will be presented after this match. The bell rings and Bryan goes after Fandango immediately. The “Daniel Bryan” chants begin almost immediately. Fandango gains control of the offense in the match early on. Bryan begins his comeback with a ton of “Yes!” kicks as his home-state fans chant along. The crowd is insanely into Bryan here tonight in Seattle. Fandango goes out to the floor to recover at one point, but Bryan does his suicide dive through the ropes onto the dancing phenom. Bryan beats up Fandango on the floor a bit before throwing him back into the ring. Bryan goes to the top rope but Fandango catches him coming off into a powerbomb. Awesome. On that note, we head to a mid-match commercial. When we return from commercial, Bryan appears to be in the middle of a fiery comeback. Bryan does a bunch of “Yes!” kicks and actually badly misses the last shot, which oddly enough the production team shot a tight close-up of as it happened. The announcers spend the next 20-30 seconds trying to cover it up. Fandango cuts Bryan’s momentum off and is now back in control of the offense. Fandango heads to the top rope for his big leg-drop, but Bryan moves and Fandango misses. Bryan goes up top after that and hits a flying headbutt. Bryan calls for the running knee and he hits it. 1-2-3. Daniel Bryan wins.

Winner: Daniel Bryan

After The Match

The lights cut out and The Wyatt Family appears on the titantron. Bray cuts another Wyatt-style promo. He seems upset that Bryan hasn’t accepted his offer to join his family. Bray says if he doesn’t accept his offer, the story won’t have a happy ending. It will end the same way it started, with destruction. He promises to hurt Bryan and to prove that he is actually a monster just like him. He concludes by simply saying, “Join us. Join us, Bryan.” The lights go off, when they come back on, Bryan is leading the fans in a loud “No! No! No!” chant.

The Slammy Awards

WWE Hall Of Famers Booker T and Jerry “The King” Lawler, the hosts of tonight’s Slammy Awards, are introduced. They come out to the podium set up at the top of the stage and officially welcome us to the 2013 Slammy Awards. They encourage everyone to vote. Booker asks Lawler if he’s ever laughed out loud. With that said, they introduce the presenters for the LOL Moment of the Year: The New Age Outlaws.

Slammy Awards: LOL Moment of the Year

Out come Road Dogg and Billy Gunn in the same suits Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels wore in the movie, “Dumb & Dumber.” Awesome. Road Dogg cuts one of his old, fast-talkin’ D-X style of promos. Billy Gunn asks if Road Dogg is not gonna let him talk again this year. Road Dogg laughs and says he’s not very good at it. The crowd interupts them with a loud “one more match” chant. Road Dogg says Gunn’s line only consisted of a few words. They’ve got three words for us: “the nominees are …”

– Vickie Guerrero fired as RAW General Manager
– Titus O’Neil puking on everyone at the Thanksgiving special SmackDown
– Jinder Mahal & Great Khali attempt to “charm” Santino Marella’s “Cobra”
– The Rock’s “Rock concert” at the RAW 20th Anniversary special

We are told how to vote via the WWE App and then Santino Marella’s music hits. The winner of the LOL Moment of the Year will be announced after his match apparently. We head to commercial.

Vickie Guerrero screaches “Excuse Me” and comes out to the top of the stage. She was shown being dissed in the clips from “The Rock concert” so I guess since he’s not there, she accepts on his behalf. She talks about her outfit, grabs the award, and walks off. Yawn.

The Slammy Award goes to: The Rock’s “Rock concert” at the RAW 20th Anniversary special

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0NDXPnAA-Y

Santino Marella vs. Damien Sandow

We head to the ring, where Santino is facing Damien Sandow in singles action. The WWE Intercontinental Champion Big E. Langston is out for commentary during the match. They talk on commentary about Langston defending his I-C title ths Sunday aganist Sandow. Meanwhile, Sandow is beating up Santino with ease in the ring. Sandow hits the “elbow of disdain” on Santino for a near fall. The crowd has a dueling chant going on right now, but I can’t quite make it out. Half of it is “Let’s go Sandow” but I can’t figure out what the other half of the crowd is saying. Santino is finally getting some comedy offense in now. He pulls out The Cobra, but Sandow trips him and nails him with the “You’re Welcome” finisher. 1-2-3. Damien Sandow wins.

Winner: Damien Sandow

After The Match

Langston leaves his spot at the announce desk and stands in Sandow’s face, proudly holding up his WWE Intercontinental Championship. Sandow backs off and walks back up the ramp as Langston poses for the crowd with his title.

Slammy Awards: Double-Cross of the Year

The Shield come out to present the “Double-Cross of the Year” Slammy Award. They come out in fancy suits. Ambrose starts by saying, “I know, I know. I look great.” He talks about winning two Slammy’s already at WWE.com. Seth Rollins talks a bit as does Roman Reigns. Reigns continues to talk but Ambrose interupts him. The crowd “oooh’s and ahhh’s.” The nominees are…

– Mark Henry’s retirement swerve
– Shawn Michaels costing Daniel Bryan the WWE Championship at Hell In A Cell
– Paul Heyman turning on CM Punk at Money In The Bank
– Triple H screws Daniel Bryan out of the WWE Championship at Money In The Bank

Shawn Michaels wins. He comes out to accept. HBK says he has a lot on his mind but he was told he can’t talk too long. He says he’s been fortunate to win a lot of Slammy’s over the years, but never for the Double-Cross of the Year. He says that’s ironic because he’s Double-Crossed a lot of people. The crowd starts a “you screwed Bret” chant, but HBK thought they said “you sold out” so he talks about how he sold out a long time ago and that’s why he’s still here. Umm, ok. Mark Henry was robbed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qHZGvFSLDs

The Slammy Award goes to: Shawn Michaels costing Daniel Bryan the WWE Championship at Hell In A Cell

Check out this photo of El Torito unmasked – with Drew McIntyre:

Oh boy. This past weekend, a WWE fan (Reddit user “illmurray”) took a healthy dose of hallucinogenic mushrooms and attended a WWE live event from Vancouver,  British Columbia, Canada. Here is his his recap of the experience:

At around a quarter to seven PM, I took about two grams of psilocybe cubensis mushrooms with another redditor at an undisclosed location. We then took the #135 bus deep into east Vancouver to see WWE live at the Agrodome.

When I bought my tickets, my plan was to invite a random from OKCupid to come with me as a date because I thought it would be hilarious and awkward and a really great way to freak out a ‘normal’. Those plans fell through at the last minute, specifically when the random clued in that I was trying to take them to wrestling, so I turned to my friend who’s not a fan of wrestling and asked if he would like to take drugs and go see WWE with me.

‘That sounds like the premise for a VICE article,’ he said. I agreed and we both decided that it would be a really good idea and totally not at all irresponsible or dangerous. I spent the afternoon prepping him, mostly by watching Big E. Langston’s Instagram videos.

The effects hit me strong when we get off the bus at Hastings and Renfrew. The mild stomach discomfort becomes a peculiar warm and cuddly sensation all over my body. We are both giggling as we walk towards the searchlights in the distance.

When we get into the arena, the opening match is already in progress and literally everyone in the arena is chanting ‘Axel sucks.’ We can’t figure out how to get to the floor and end up walking up and down the stairs several times before we find our seats. I see an elderly Indian woman in a John Cena t-shirt and my eyes start watering for some reason.

Xavier Woods enters the ring wearing a sparkly jacket. His entrance video looks like an animated gif image. He becomes my favourite wrestler. During the match, I experience severe time dilation as Hunico gives him a backdrop and then puts him in a chinlock again and again. I feel as though the match is stuck in an infinite loop and Hunico will continue to backdrop Xavier Woods forever. They do this spot for what feels like five or six times before Xavier finally backflips out of it and takes Hunico to the woodshed. Someone behind me yells that Xavier Woods looks like Richard Pryor and I spend a lot of time thinking about whether that was racist or not, considering he doesn’t.

There is a divas match. I am looking at AJ standing on the apron and it strikes me how before these people were characters on a TV show, electron pulses on a screen, and now I can see the light reflecting off AJ’s midriff and I can see the texture of her skin in infinitesimal detail down to the pores. Tamina doesn’t tag her in. I count AJ’s ribs.

I look over at my friend and he is slowly waving his hand in front of his face and at first I think he is doing the Cena thing but then I realize he is also really high.

During Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton’s match, Daniel elbows Orton in the face so hard that, swear to god, a bloody tooth flies out of his mouth. I feel like these two could wrestle eachother again and again for the next thousand years and it would never not be amazing. Orton does so many little things in the ring that are so perfect that you really have to watch him closely to pick up on, and it kills me that I have to boo him on principle because he’s so good but Daniel Bryan is from the Pacific Northwest and weird looking and therefore My Guy.

I yell ‘dishonourable discharge’ at Orton when he’s near my corner but he doesn’t hear me.

Any time anyone goes on the microphone, all I can hear is ‘womp womp womp womp womp womp.’ Tony Chimel goes on the microphone and says ‘womp womp womp womp womp fifteen minute intermission.‘

I go to buy a Fandango t-shirt but they don’t have any.

It is when Los Matadores come out around nine o’clock that I realize I am peaking. El Torito comes out and I begin screaming. I have never been as excited by anything in my life. I cannot put into words the elation I am experiencing watching him run down the rampway. I feel as though millions of years of human evolution and history have led to me being here, watching a small man in a bull costume jump on the ropes and wave at people. I start tearing up again and try to start an El Torito chant, but then 3MB comes out and all the brown kids freak out over Jinder Mahal. He has never, ever been more over than he was tonight.

My friend is disappointed that there are no other mini wrestlers to fight El Torito, but I say it was enough just to be blessed by his presence.

Fandango comes out. He is wearing a purple satin shirt, which I begin wilding out over, but not as hard as I was wilding for El Torito. Great Khali comes out and again the crowd goes crazy, but I am staring at Fandango as he teases taking off the satin shirt. I am losing my mind. Finally he takes off the shirt and the light hits his abs. I swear to god Fandango’s body is sparkling, glowing. His abs are crystalline. I almost start crying for a third time because his body is so fucking beautiful. We make eye contact and I become bonded to him in eternity.

‘His face is shaped like a Pringle,’ my friend says of Great Khali.

Fandango gets on the microphone. ‘Vancouver womp womp womp womp womp dance,’ he says. Fandango is a really great wrestler because his selling can actually create the illusion of Khali moving around.

The main event is CM Punk vs. Luke Harper. CM Punk is my favourite wrestler and the entire arena is chanting his name but I am already exhausted because I have marked out so severely and completely over Fandango’s shirt and El Torito.

CM Punk gets on the microphone. ‘Womp womp Vancouver womp womp womp womp womp,’ he says. Everyone goes home happy. I feel emotionally and physically depleted. I get on the bus and go straight back downtown to eat a triple cheeseburger at A&W.

It was delicious.