WWE RAW Results (1/18): Don Johnson & John Heder Host


This week’s RAW starts with a Martin Luther King JR. video, as they do every year.

Musicand pyro.

Vince McMahon out to the ring. Video of Vince and Bret shaking hand, but then Vince kicked Bret in the gut. Vince says life’s about decisions. You make good and bad decisions, especially in business. He made the decision to bring RAW to this God forsaken city. He made the decision to bring in Bret. Then he made the decision to kick Bret as hard as he could in the gut. He wants Bret to be remembered as he is, a broken down old war horse who needs to be put down. It’s his job to put them down when they get like that. It’s like most everyone, they chew gum. Walking at the same time’s another story. You chew gum, then spit it out when it loses its flavor. If he’s allowed Bret to stay it would have been like a disease. Like gangrene in your finger, then into your hand and arm. You have to chop it off before it takes over. He tells them to go ahead and boo. They’re all hypocritical and know it. They want faster and stronger. More action, more grandeur. He didn’t make the decision that Bret can’t come back to the WWE, the fans did. GONG! Vince was stopped dead in his tracks. Out to the ring – fire, smoke lights and all! Taker’s in the gear he had been wearing, not the throwback gear he’s been wearing lately on SD! Vince says he wasn’t quite finished saying what he was going to say. It’s his time, his show… Taker says the way he sees it, it’s his time now. He came out to address HBK, but he needs to tell Vince something his own ego won’t allow him to admit. There’s not many of them left, but he was there, 12 years ago in Montreal. He saw the whole thing. He saw the fear in his eyes then and he sees it now. Vince screwed Bret Hart. Not once, but twice. And now he’s terrified of the consequences. As he should be! What he did was the act of a coward. Vince says, with all do respect he disagrees with his point of view, but it is Taker’s time. Vince quickly leaves the ring and scurries away. Taker says stubbornness, anger, denial. Not just attributes of Vince, but also lie in the heart of HBK. Almost a year ago he said he’d go to WM and end Taker’s streak. He did prove, without a shadow of a doubt that he is Mr. Wrestlemania, but the streak is intact. For a month now HBK’s trying to get Taker’s attention. He’s requested a rematch at this WM. So he stands before him with his answer, one he wanted to deliver personally. HBK comes out in too much DX gear to face Taker. They stare at each other in the ring. “HBK” chants erupt and grow to take over the arena. “Here I am Deadman…” HBK says he’s anxiously awaiting and answer and is all ear. Taker said HBK came closer than all the others, but still failed. A rematch at this WM will only result in more bitter disappointment for himself. Taker has nothing to prove to him. His answer… Is no! HBK looks down and away. HBK says he has the audacity to come out here and look him in the eye… Taker says if HBK’s convinced he can beat him, he has the opportunity tonight. HBK says no. Taker glares. HBK says he wants nothing more than to beat Taker, but it will be on the grandest stage of them all. He realizes what he has to do now. He’ll enter the RR and when he wins. And believe him, Taker, he will win. There won’t be any mystery about the Champion HBK will face. The Champion is Taker. Taker says he’ll be the Champion at WM, so winning the RR will be HBK’s only chance at salvation. HBK says after he wins the RR, he’ll see him at WM. Taker’s streak, his title, his soul will be HBK’s. GONG! The lights go down and Taker leaves HBK in the ring looking pensive.

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– Commercial

Slam Of The Week – Last Monday was a Three Way Match between Cena, Kofi and Orton. Cody and Ted got involved. Orton got the win and showed his ass at Kofi for not doing what he thought should happen in the ring. Orton lost his temper as wasn’t scripted.

Sheamus out to the ring. Evan Bourne in the ring waiting.

The bell rings and Orton comes out to the stage. Sheamus onto Evan in a corner. Evan into an elbow. Orton on his way to the ring, Sheamus’ sees Orton coming. Sheamus out to the apron and Evan attacks with kicks. Evan up flies, riding Sheamus down. Evan pins for two. Backbreaker on Evan. Big boot to Evan’s face. Sheamus hits his finisher on Evan and pins for three.

– Winner: Sheamus

Sheamus immediately glares down at Orton. Orton slowly and carefully climbs the stairs to the ring. “RKO” chants smatter through the arena. Orton in and stares at Sheamus. Sheamus stares back. Sheamus backs away and reaches out for his belt. “Randy” chants. Sheamus raises his belt and gets heat. Sheamus then backs out of the ring and backs away up the ramp, the whole time watching Orton closely.

Backstage HHH up to HBK. HBK asks if he’s seen that. HHH says he did, then Don Johnson walks up. Much friendship. Johnson is looking for Heder. HBK says he knows who Johnson is, but don’t know who Heder is. HBK asks HHH what’s up? HHH says he’ll talk later. HHH cuts on Heder. Johnson says that he did remember HHH and Heder had some problems before. HHH says at least Johnson showed up on time. Johnson says he’s a professional. HHH heads off and Johnson sees someone who looks like Dynamite from behind. He turns the guy around thinking it’s Heder dressed up, but it’s Carlito dressed up. Johnson says he must be a Napoleon Dynamite fan. The fake teeth come out and Carlito says he’s never seen it before stomping off. Johnson looks very confused.

– Commercial

Promo for the Royal Rumble.

Jack Swagger out to the ring. Video of Swagger talking smack last week, challenging anyone to try to throw him over the top rope. Santino comes out and manages to eliminate Swagger with a reversal. Santino shocked himself. Swagger has a mic and says last week was a fluke. He’s an all American American American American. In the RR he’ll throw out anyone who gets in his path. He’s issuing another all American American Challenge. He tells Santino to get out there if he dares. Santino comes out to the stage dressed like Don Johnson from Miami Vice. He says there’s nothing more that he’s like than to go down and throw him over the top ropes again. He’s more than just a wrestler, he’s also the president of the IDJFC – the Italian Don Johnson Fan Club. Seeing that Don Johnson’s here tonight, he’s busy. But he found a more than suitable substitution. Out comes Mark Henry. Henry started a high five and Santino figured it out and slapped his hand.

Henry smiles as Swagger dances around. Swagger attacks Henry in the upper back a couple times, Henry just turns and stares. Henry picks Swagger up high and drops him from the ring.

– Winner: Mark Henry

Swagger pitches a fit worthy of Christian when he was with DDP. Henry just smiles. Video of the drop from the ring.

Backstage a limo pulls up. The Bella twins climb out and then Heder. He tells the person in the limo to stay there until he says to come out (Bret Hart?). Heder says “Go Nashville!” One of the Bellas corrected him to tell him it’s Knoxville (WWE hasn’t updated their schedule, therefore I had the wrong location as well. I’m sorry for my massive screw up!)

– Commercial

John Heder and Don Johnson out to the ring with the Bellas. Don gets the fans going. He says they’re thrilled to be hosting RAW. They know… Heder cut him off saying how awesome it is to have real life movie stars. Let’s hear it for movies! Not much response. Don says tonight’s main event will feature DX. Heder cuts on DX and says it’s not working for him. It’s not that DX isn’t great, they’re okay. They’re from southern Cali and have a new football coach. Since he started coaching at USC. He’s bringing out someone else who’s awesome, The Miz! Miz out to the ring. Miz says it’s nice to have actual celebrities as celebrity guest hosts. Miz thanks Heder for putting Miz in the RR. Miz says since they go way back, he thinks Heder should know that HHH said that Don should host alone tonight. Doesn’t HHH know that Heder’s movies have brought in over 300 million dollars? Heder says 358 million, that’s just domestic. Don offhandedly said Vice did that in a week. Miz says he has the utmost respect for Don. Back in the day Don was what Miz is now, the hottest thing on TV. Everyone wanted to be Crockett, they all wanted to be him. But then the guy who road his coat tails. Don says everyone remembers Tubbs! Miz says on RAW that have another name for him, MVP. Heder and Miz cut on the locals in an inane way. MVP’s music and out he comes. MVP says he’s from Miami and Don lived in Miami for a long time. He wants to apologize for him for having to be mixed up with this. And he wants to apologize to the WWE Universe for having to listen to Napoleon Dynamite and his sidekick Pedro. See, now MVP is officially in the RR. If he does nothing else, he’s throwing Miz out. As a matter of fact, why wait for the RR. Since Heder wants to be Miz’s buddy and dis the WWE Universe, then Heder’s being thrown out to. Big Show’s music. He comes out. Miz out to go after MVP. MVP punches Miz, but then Big Show takes out MVP. Heder says he and Big Show have the same agent and thought it would be good if he came down as a little insurance policy in case anything went sour. Heder then couldn’t figure out why DX gets to celebrate every night. Why Don’t the four of them celebrate? Don wants nothing to do with that. Heder tells him to go make out with Tubbs. Heder says he has a feeling about Miz and Big Show. It’s like the creation of a beautiful friendship. Let’s hear it for friendship. DX will be facing the new team he’s creating – Big Show and The Miz. Big Show picks Heder up like he was a little girl. Heder slaps hand with Miz. Don looks on shaking his head.

– Commercial

Cena out to the ring. Kofi out to join him. Legacy out to face them. Video of Cody and Ted’s attack on Cena and Kofi last week.

Cody and Cena tie lock up. Cena sends Cody flying. Ted tags in. they lock up and a punch to Ted. Bulldog to Ted for a long two. Punches to Ted in a corner. Cena telegraphs and Ted kicks him. Cody tags in and stomps the heck out of him. “Cena” chants from women and children. Ted pulls on Cena from outside. Cody pins for two. Ted tags in. Side headlock on Cena from Cody until the ref makes him leave. Ted on Cena with punches to the head. Cena fights back with punches and whips Ted. Ted moves and then clotheslines Cena for two. Ted drops elbows on Cena. Cena is able to tag out and Kofi on Ted fast and hard. Flies in to take Ted down, then to the corner and takes Cody out. Back elbows and a dropkick to Ted. A flying forearm and then a boom drop on Ted. Ted ducks out to Kofi’s way, but Kofi gets him in a corner. Cody on the apron and distracts Kofi. Cody is hit, but then Ted takes Kofi down. Cody tags in.

– Commercial

Ted has control over Kofi. Cody tags in and Kofi runs into a dropkick for two. Cody stomps Kofi and then punches him. Kicks to the gut and Kofi’s in the heel corner. Cody with the ref and Ted attacks from outside. Scoop slam to Kofi. Kofi avoids a knee drop from Cody. Ted tags in, but Ted misses too. Cody tags in and a cheap shot on Cena. Cody drags Kofi back. Cody pins Kofi for two. Ted tags in. Headlock in the center of the ring on Kofi. “Kofi” chants. Jawbreaker on Ted and Kofi is free, but can’t get to Cena before Ted grabs him. Back slam to Ted and they’re both down. Cena gets the hot tag and Cody also tags in. Cena takes Cody down a number of times, then a slam. Five knuckle shuffle on Cody. Cody up for an AA, but rakes the eyes. Side Russian leg sweep to Cena for two. Cena throws Cody off and gets him up for the AA. Cena pins, but Ted makes the save. Kofi makes a blind tag. Ted and Cody in the ring, Kofi climbs. Ted turns and moves, Cody takes the cross body. Kofi pins Cody for three.

– Winners: Kofi & Cena

Video of the high points in the match. Kofi and Cena on stage celebrating wile Legacy is in the ring rather pissed. Cody glares at Ted for letting him eat that cross body.

Backstage Heder talking to Miz and Big Show. Miz says Heder’s doing great as guest host. Suddenly Hornswoggle is there. Heder wants to know what he’s saying. Miz and Big Show says no one knows what he says. HHH is there and says like everyone else, he doesn’t like Heder very much. Hornswoggle says something and HHH tells him to watch his mouth, it’s a PG show. HHH says Hornswoggle challenged Heder to a match. Miz says Heder has no interest in wrestling Hornswoggle. HHH says that’s interesting as no one has any interest in anything Miz does. Big Show gets in Hornswoggle face. Hornswoggle tries to bite Big Show’s finger. Big Show asks if they got that thing shots? HHH says that they’ll add Hornswoggle to the match and they add Heder. They all agree. Hornswoggle starts getting down the ladder, but then climbs back up to crotch chop them before leaving. Heder is freaked out. Big Show says not to worry, they’ll get him set up. Miz says he’ll be fine. They leave. Heder tries to figure out what just happened there.

– Commercial

WWE Rewind – Katie faced Eve. Eve got the win. Maryse glared from announce.

Maryse out to the ring in sparkly black. Fox out in black lace. Kim out in lilac. Eve out in black.

Kim on Maryse. Maryse slammed into a corner. Kim climbs and flies with a dropkick for two. Fox grabs Kim’s hair from outside and starts a fight out there while Maryse keeps the ref busy. Maryse hit’s a really poor backbreaker on Kim (Kim’s bum barely even landed on Maryse’s leg after it looked like Maryse might drop Kim when she spun her around – piss poor move). Maryse holds Kim’s hair and Fox tags in. Maryse poses on the apron. Fox hits another backbreaker (Kim’s back didn’t touch Fox’s knee and Kim’s bum almost landed on the floor – more piss poor wrestling) on Kim. Fox pins for two. Fox misses a scissor kick then misses an attack on Kim in the corner. Eve tags in and hit’s a great hip toss and then dropkick to Fox. Eve flips/splashes on Fox for two. Fox runs into a back elbow in a corner. Eve up in corner hit’s a beautiful new move/hold on Fox. Fox taps out.

– Winners: Eve & Kim

Kim and Eve hug outside. Maryse is all pissy and leaves. Fox looks sore on the ramp.

Video of Austin on Chuck! Austin plays an assassin – shocker! Next Monday at 8.

– Commercial

Backstage Don is talking with Kelly, Heder is freaking out. Heder doesn’t know how he got into this. Don asks how he put himself in this spot. Heder tries to get Don to take his place. Don says they’re not that close, didn’t even have any scenes in the movie together. Big Show and Miz come in. they tell him it will all be fine. Big Show says he and Miz are really clicking, he’s getting along with the Miz better than he ever did with his old partner (who might he be referring to?). Big Show tells him to let him and Miz do the heavy lifting, then Heder can finish them off. Don says they have stuntmen to do this. This is a mistake! Miz says pink suits and white shirts are a mistake! Rolling your sleeves up on those suits are a mistake. Heder says they have a point. They present Heder with a robe. It’s very Flair-ish. Is says ‘The Flame’ on the back. Miz says he’s a house of fire, ready to explode! Big Show in a deep voice says, “No one can extinguish The Flame!” Don mocks them saying, “That’s hot.” and then leaves. They keep going with Heder, pumping him up.

King and Cole go through the matches slated for the Royal Rumble.

Backstage HHH talks to Vince. Vince says Taker was there when he screwed Bret. Taker called him a coward. He might call out Taker next week. HHH says to calm down. It’s not just Vince but all the McMahons, they always have to have the last word. He couldn’t just let it go! If he calls Bret out, he makes Bret a bigger star. If he doesn’t call him out, then the whole world knows he’s a coward. HBK comes up and asks about what HHH wanted to talk about. But then Hornswoggle is there on his ladder. HHH says they’ll talk later. HBK asks who will grab him? HHH tells HBK to do it. HBK comments on how much Hornswoggle weighs! HHH backs up and Hornswoggle gets on his back. They all walk away together.

– Commercial

Orton out to the ring. Masters out to face him with Eve in tow.

The bell rings, but then Sheamus comes out. He walks stalks slowly down the ramp. Lock up in the ring. Side headlock on Masters who pushes out. Shoulder block on Orton. Punch to Masters. Masters tries for the lock but can’t get it on. Masters with a scoop slam, but Orton gets out. Back breaker on Masters and Orton stalks him. Masters reverses the RKO into a masterlock! Orton’s desperate to get out, but Masters has it locked in good. Orton’s fading to his knees, Masters holds it, but Orton somehow drops and pulls Masters to the ropes. Masters has to let Orton free. Orton hit’s an RKO and pins for three.

– Winner: Orton

Orton leans on the ropes regrouping, but the turns right into a bit boot from Sheamus. Video replay of the RKO, then the big boot. Sheamus on the stage smirking.

– Commercial

Promo for James Roday and Dule Hill from Psych who will be hosting RAW next week.

Big Show out to the ring. Miz out to join him. Heder, in his interesting robe, out to join them, but little reaction.. DX’s music and the fans go wild. Hornswoggle is the first out, HHH and HBK come out flanking Don Johnson. They throw glow sticks to the fans.

– Commercial

Flying forearm from HBK on Miz in what Cole calls ‘vintage’. chops to Miz, but then mix hit two neck breakers on HBK (after really fumbling grabbing HBK the first time – more crap wrestling!). Miz goes crazy on HBK until the ref back him off. Big Show tags in and head butts HBK to the mat. Big Show picks HBK up, almost loses his hold on him, then slams him to the mat for two. Miz tags in. Miz stomps HBK. Heder looks on in awe. Miz chokes HBK with his foot. The ref backs him off. Miz runs and kicks HBK in the face. “HBK” chants. In a corner but HBK fights back. Miz rushes HBK, HBK charges out of the corner, they both clothesline hard and both are down. Hornswoggle tags in. Dropkick to Miz’s head while he’s down. DX chops! But then Miz, on his knees, clotheslines Hornswoggle hard. Heder reached out for the tag. Heder in, removes the robe to show… EW! King comment on whiter skin than Sheamus! Horrible boots, but he kicks Hornswoggle in the chest. Hornswoggle in a corner and Heder rushes, but Hornswoggle moves. Hornswoggle then bites the heck out of Heder’s bum. Hornswoggle makes it back to the face corner and tags in HHH! Heder freaks and flees. Don rolls Heder back into the ring. A big punch and Heder’s down. Big Show in and grabs HHH for a chokeslam, but HBK rushes in with sweet chin music. Big Show falls and lands across Heder! Sweet chin music to Miz outside. Hornswoggle tags in and flies onto them with a tadpole splash. Big Show rolls out and Hornswoggle pins Heder for three!

– Winners: DX

Hornswoggle is rubbing his chest a bit, as if Heder kicked a bit harder than he should have. HHH grabs a mic and says he’s been trying to say something all night long. They need to talk. HBK needs to figure another way to get that match. It’s not going to work out going after the championship Shawn. HBK puts and hand up in HHH’s face. Cena’s music hits and HBK then starts cussing in the ring. Reading his lips I think HBK says ‘what the F is going on now?’. Cena comes out and says this is a night of major announcements. Before he tells Shawn, he has a major announcement of his own. It’s been two years since he’s been in a RR and he’s officially stating he’s competing in the RR. Last time he was in the RR he won, this year he’ll do it again. HHH starts to talk, but then Big Show climbs in the ring with a mic. Big Show says he has news for each of them. He’s in the RR too. It’s designed for a giant like him. He’ll show why he’ll win the RR. Big Show attacks HHH and HBK. Shoulder block form Cena on Big Show. Big Show rolls out. DX toss Cena out of the ring. HHH then tosses HBK out. HHH says what they Don’t know is they’re not going to win the RR, because he is. HHH in the ring talks smack to HBK outside who stares up looking a bit lost and confused.

Biggest pop

Biggest heat

Biggest flop
John Heder!